[7:16 p.m.] : [2003-04-24]

so this dream i had sunday night, it caught me off gaurd. somehow i ran into an ex . who i dare say was my worst relationship. but when i saw her i just felt what i did when i first met her. she came to me and made appologes for all the hurt she had caused me before. she took my hand and looked me in the eye and i could see she ment it all. and me, being a sucker, i took her back. i have an incredible ability from one perticular friendship to let any amount of bad history go like nothing. so i got another chance at a girl i loved like crazy in high school and this time maybe we could try and get things right where they didn't work before. keep in mind what didn't work before was the fact that she screwed me over, alot. but i had forgiven her. and for a while we where happy to be with each other. but after a time i noticed she was starting to slip away. she loved me and i loved her but it was not enough. you see i had so easily forgiven her for everything because of love and did not hold anything from the past against her. but she had a guilt inside her from before that she could not let go so easily. she did not know how to, and could not understand or belive that i could. she felt that i didn't really love her like i claimed and that i actually resented her for everything and no matter what i said or how close i held her it could not compleatly wipe away her self doubt. In this dream while trying to assuage her fears i had to leave her to help a friend, it was something i did not nessicerily want to do because i did not want to leave her. but it was something i felt i had to do so i left her for a moment. when i tried to find her i only found her father who had come to let me know he was sorry but her fears and guilt where too much. my love was what she wanted but she could not overcome feelings that she had hurt me too much in the past to be so easily taken back and to be with me any longer was tearing her apart. so she was gone again. i woke up and sitting on my bed so easily realised it was true. not all the events of the dream, not this perticular girlfriend she probly hates me when and if i ever sneak into her memory. but what i realised was true was that, dispite the effort i try to make to fake that i am no longer the hopeless romantic type shmuck i used to be, i could with almost no effort love anyone i have loved before. every girl i have ever been in love with, the relationship may of gone bad and we may of lost touch with each other but i have not fallen out of love with a single one. i have not bad feelings about admitting or recognizing i loved any one. and it is wierd because in jr high and high school you get in relationships and people say cheesey stuff like "there will always be a part of me that will love you forever..." of course in school if someone says that it means they just got fucked over in a relationship and would rather see that persons bus catch on fire and fall off a cliff onto a small nukular testsite. but i actually realised there is a truth to that phrase. i realised it is possible to love anyone and everyone i've ever loved. i don't mean i am going to obsess out ex girlfriends and stalk them all because i am lonely. they do not take up my thoughts every waking moments and i have no delussions about how i stand with any of them, but there is still a certain love i hold for them even if some do not believe i have the capability to love at all.

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