[11:42 a.m.] : [2003-04-01]

i heard the phone ring so late at night that i i thought someone had died but your voice was full of hope like it was on better days on clear mornings when the rain had left the sky i can�t stand the thought of you alone don�t try to get close to us because there�s nothing but our souls laid bare i've been coming across lines in songs i've never picked up before. or lines in others that seem to stick out to me. you said your a wreck, you get so upset. you said that you'd ruin everything the first chance you get. i never started an argument, i've never really wanted to. no point. of course i never saw a point in arguing weather or not it was something i started or brought up or if she did. but your chances come day after day. everyone has points they could bring up, but i let stuff lay. lately i am not sure if that is what is eating away at me or if it is something else that is bothering me. there is other stuff bothering me little thoughts on stuff but i think it's the fact i can see how it could all lead to a big picture type thing but isn't. and why is it not? because the same old stuff. i sit at the bar, you're off playing pool. still you keep a close eye on which girls i've been talking to. and the same old stuff, well i guess i could say it should bother me it should bother anyone, i mean most people could use it, justify it as a means to be an asshole or something. but it is something i can set aside. maybe i set aside too much, i wonder if my ability to let things go and forgive is a mature thing or a set back... it's probly both. but day after day stumbles by and i've yet to abandon your side. but what can i do? what does it matter when there is a two hour difference and five states. there is no real point. if someone doesn't want to talk about things or doesn't want to talk to me at all fine. has jealousy's venomous dart poisoned the well of your heart? it just bothers me the most that the outcome became the same. everything i did i could of not done and it would amount to the same. everything i still do means nothing that matters nothing that could do good but what moves i make can still subtract from the total. la,la,la,la la,la,la,la maybe i am wrong, i suppose i could bring up points of mine and for a short bit it might cause a light but it would be short lived, the light would go out and the darkness would be greater than before for it. so i know i can not help, and if i help my self that helps even less. the only thing to do is to just ride, take in what i can for me of everything around, big skys and hidden lines in songs, polaroid photos and time spent laying upside down from my bed doing nothing killing half an hour as music plays. it's a way to avoid wanting to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk. we found dried leaves pressed inside the book like a stark vision of time and will the memories be lost when they clear the house you lived so many years no matter how far you are away i see you in the distance, the distance we spit in the pond to give the fish something to pray to sometimes the sunset doesn�t want to be photographed

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