[1:00 p.m.] : [2004-11-05]

IGNORE EVERYTHING I HAVE SAID UP TO THIS POINT. SERIOUSLY, FUCK IT. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I HAVE SAID ABOUT LOVE AND LOSS AND ALL OF THAT BLEEDING HEART ROT. i hold an image of the ashtray girl feels like cigarette burns on my chest i wrote a poem that described her world and put our friendship to the test Dear ------, I recognize that I have been going about things, saying things, on these pages the wrong way. I may have stumbled blindly onto a nugget or two at times but for the most part, honestly, I've missed the mark. I apologise for this, for my short sightedness. I apologise for everything else. farewell my ashtray girl forbidden snow flake beware this troubled world watch out for earthquakes I could blame things on the spectrum of emotions I've felt, I wont. I wont make one sided excuses. That would only devalue anything you have felt that I have been to selfish to acknowledge. goodbye to open sores to broken semaphore you know i miss her i miss our picture I know I can be misguided at times, and I can read things into the strangest things. I had a moment of clarity last night flipping threw my johnny the homicidal maniac book. I liked something he said, and if I may be so bold I feel like it fits my style. I'll quote it in a second. Anyways, everything I've been trying to say comes down to this. I think you are a cool person that i care/have cared about. That is what I've been failing to say is all this time. I care about the person, you, regardless of the existence and/or nonexistance of any for of a relationship between us. I mean that to all extents of the word, friendship, more, less, ...and so forth. sometimes it's fated we're disintegrated for fear of growing old I think, maybe, I still failed to say that as well as I would have liked to. But to close I will quote: I just ask for what we all ask of the people we respect- that the thought of me does not compel you to violent spasms of projectile vomiting. xo - m i can't stop growing old

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