|
dear xxxxxx,
again i don't know where to write this so it goes here. of course you don't come here so it hardly seems to have much of a point, but it has a point for me. to get it off my chest, if nothing else it is something for me because everything else is for you.
that really is the point, and that was the point of the conversation we had on the phone. the point of my hesitence to see you now. i feel like that line in the book i let you borrow that you liked so much. a line written on a bathroom wall that reads if you are to be unloved and forgotten, be reasonable. not saying you have forgotten me or that there is nothing left in your heart, but you do not need me these days. and it is not my place to say or do what i did last year. the only thing i can do for you and feel good about is this. is to be reasonable, let it go.
that is what i ment when i said it would be easier if i could be bitter, then i wouldn't have to try or care or watch what i say or recognize anything in myself. i wouldn't have to admitt i think he is a nice guy and good for you and that i can see it, that you really care about him. so i'm not going to come back and see you for that. i will do nothing to come between you, and that is all i can do for you.
you should be able to understand from my point of view, i know how visiting freinds can cause trouble and i know how a partner can hold onto a thought true or not and pretend everything is fine and let it eat at them inside. so why take that chance on me. i am hardly worth the time now. you have so much and i hope it all works for you. if not like i said before in a couple years time i'll trick you into another relationship and we'll see where that goes. it's seemed to have worked nicely in the past.
i am not worried, but the presure of it all in the present just weights on my chest sometimes and i don't know how to get it off without saying something that you don't need to here me say and i don't need to say because i don't want you to get that thought in your head. because i wish it was what you though so bad, but it is not what you need and there is nothing i can do.
what can i do? there is nothing that will not kill me either way.
-xoxo-
xxxx!
|
