[1:24 a.m.] : [2013-01-21]
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You asked me on the day we broke up what the point of being in a relationship was. I don't remember what my answer at the time was but I know I said at one point that you made it seem wrong, you made me feel foolish, for giving a damn about you. I'm not sure what I'm getting at with that but at the moment what I think relationships are for is sharing. Not to simply not be alone but to be able to have a confidante in a companion so you don't have to feel things alone. Not just the hurts but everything. And that's what has been hard, why I've been hurt, not the lack of you in my life but the inability to share the things (events, emotions, moments) of my life with you. I want to show you the video I was supposed to start the week we broke up. I want to tell you how I couldn't start it, how I was unable to work in it even a little bit because all of my thoughts had left me. They were with you. I want to tell you how I didn't sleep for the two days before the video deadline and somehow made myself work and how I haven't been eating well or taking very good care of myself. I want to tell you how that video won first prize and feel you squeeze my hand and see you proud of me. I want to spend the prize money on making you smile. I want to share with you my triumphs, you already know so many of my failures. I'd like to be able to share with you the news I got in the middle of my not working on that video when your rejection and your silence was new. I want to be able to tell you about my mother, the cancer, her surgeries. I want to be able to hold you and tell you how even though she and I haven't been close for years upon years now I still don't want her to die. I want to be able to hold you and I want you to tell me it will be all right. I want to be able to tell you these things without putting them on you like a burden, I just want a comfort from something that doesn't come from a place of pity or obligation. I want to tell you I am reading the most incredible book and it makes me think and it makes me feel and then all I can wonder is what you would think of it and all I want to know is what it would make you feel. I want to explain the simple way at night that I visualize you while laying sleepless in bed. I see you and I pick you up and I place you in a box. I put the lid on and place you in the box in another box with a lock. I lock the box that contains the box that holds you inside and then place it on a shelf where it (and you) will be safe until I can take it down and open it up and face you when I can afford to, safely in the morning. Then I can sleep. 19Feb10 |
