[12:01 a.m.] : [2005-03-14]
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Are you still, still breathing?
are you still� breathing? i made a tape the other night. songs i thought this girl would like. i suppose i should start with a phrase like, so there is this girl i know who i�m finding out to be pretty rad. she plays guitar, and sings and has some really good taste in music. i suppose you should substitute that back story in your mind so my sequencing makes since, cause i�ve decided not to do it for you. i was having a conversation with pete and he said something like �you�re such an emo boy. i can�t believe you made her a mix tape� and i reply with something like �look it really wasn�t any kind of declaration of intent.� and saying it i wondered why i was being defensive. but there is this other girl I know, she is a dancer and seems pretty cool as well. and the problem isn�t even the fact that i always have long dry spells and then i have multiple options before me at once. like i says to pete �why do i have to choose? who says?� the problem is i�m living in the shadow of the mountains of debt and i�m barely making rent and i�m not digging myself out of anything so how can i do anything? even if i make a choice, not that anything is even at that stage, but supposing it gets there� at the moment there is nothing i can do. but regardless, the point was about the tape not my financial ruin or my deep bloody emotional scars and the ashes i can�t let go of. at the time of making it it really wasn�t ment to be a declaration of intent. she emailed me some stuff she had recorded and i ended up listening to it over and over and over. she had been over a couple of weeks ago and played a little of it on my guitar and i was like joey Lawrence �whoa!� it�s hard to not get infatuated with someone who can play your guitar the way you'd like to play it. however come pick me up is her favorite song and it already belongs to someone else. i was just excited that there was someone i could share some tracks with that i like still i was wondering at the time why i was doing it at three in the morning when i knew i needed to sleep� and like everything lately i have no idea what i�m trying to get at. i�m not really sure i had a point when i started this. i just need someone to talk to. there is this other girl, one i�ve known for a while, one i should be close to. she is someone who would listen and care and give me real advice and i find myself wondering why i can�t talk to her. i just can�t. not now. there is too much i�ve not said to her, too much i didn�t say when i should of, things i kept because i didn�t know how to say them at the time. and damn i am realling coming into my own here in the bay and it feels so good to be alive. and sometimes pete asks me about houston and i'll tell him straight and he asks me why i'm not there and i know my reasons but i just shrug. and really i just want to make some more tapes and it�s like he said �you�re such an emo boy� and then he just laughs and rolls his eyes.
Breath into my hands
are you still� breathing?
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