[7:32 p.m.] : [2003-06-19]
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i do not want to be bitter. you must understand this one thing above all else. but i do not know how to feel. all the words i want to speak are never said. i know i will never bring them up on my own and i know she doesn't know to ask. i am affraid to look so naive. with the distance and this time and everything is growing between i don't know what it all means to her, i'm not even sure what it all means to me. but with the distance and all the time away i try not to build it up so there is less to come down. but i don't want to kill my feelings all together and the balance is shifting constantly and one of these days it is just going to topple. i can't say what i want to say to her because it is not my place anymore. that place has been filled so the words are not needed from me. she does not need to hear them from me and if she does not need me to say them then i really do not need to say anything at all. but in the end silence will kill everything and i don't want it all to die. i just wish i knew why it seems so important for me to keep it alive. and i just want to talk it out, find out why. hear hopes and fears on both sides. but i think i've changed and i think that she has changed and we don't seem to know each other at all. and i just want to talk things out with the girl i used to know. because it is so hard to not feel, or to keep from turning south. and i don't want to wake up unable to look back and unable to look forward and see nothing at all. i just don't want to feel bitter. but i don't know how to feel. things changed with out me and i didn't see it happen. i left and i guess that was enough to blind me. |
