[2:53 a.m.] : [2003-01-11]
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i know i would feel different if i was just going off to school. i don't mean if i was going to be going to school, but i mean the traditional out of highschool going to college come home on breaks type of thing. if that was the case i know i would feel different. i've tried all that traditional crap tv has their teenage charecters go threw with school and life and all that crap. i never wants to work for me, tv steels all my good bits, but my life never works out like it would if it had a jingle and only ran once a week for half an hour. all alone it's funny in a way running into people i know. most of the people i know from high school know i went away, few know i came back. and it's been a year and a half i've been back. it's no big deal i know few people from school care to keep up with me, i don't care about that, i don't keep up with them. tonight i'm at the show, my first show where i got a wrist band as appossed to black X's on my hands, and i see this guy i had astronomy with senior year and he is like DUDE! what are you doing in town?! ...when it happens i have to remember not everyone knows i've been back, word doesn't go around on me. the reason i say it's funny when it happens is cause i'm leaving sunday morning, for good? instead of explaining to him i've been part of the working community of the greater satsuma area for the last year and a half i just say i'm passing through. all alone i used to have my room, the only room i knew for 18 years. that was what was home for me out of the entire house i grew up in, my room. i have nothing like that now, the room at my dads is nothing just pale walls and florecent lights, my moms is cold in winter and too dim. nothing feels like mine. i wasted most of the day today with the exception of a couple of hours on my bathroom floor this evening. even tonight after that was a waste, and driving home i just felt empty, and the goodlife was on. if i could go away and know i had something at all like a home somewhere i could go home too i know i would feel different. but if i gave into the feelings i would never do anything. just pass time, waste my time sulking about my loss instead of moving on and maybe one day filling the hole for myself. because i know otherwise it wont happen. driving home with the movements of the music and everything i almost cried a couple of times. cried for myself, cried for my loss. but i didn't cry. if i don't have my strength what do i have left from my life so far? |
