[4:38 a.m.] : [2002-11-05]

it was nothing really. just a stupid remark ment to be funny. i mean i had called her and was kidding around. it's not like i want to start a fight, it's not like i have started a fight, if i did and that's what it is then i missed it. it's something else, i think. really it was nothing. there is something though, something bothering me. i have points, but i'm not sure when it all started to bother me, at the joke or before... before i left? or when... i can't pin point it, i don't think before i left, but then when since i got back? if there is a point. i got to be late as usual, this morning i had three telemarketer calls, one call for a parent on my line, two calls from work and one call from another record store telling me the cd i ordered from them came in... and while it was an hour before i wanted to start thinking about it, and even though no one had called that i was wanting to call, i got up. i can look back and blame everything on the fact that my senior year i had to work fridays. thats why i had no social life, didn't bother multiple girls, didn't go to parties, and so on. i can say i worked and had responsabilities and if i missed a party or was not invited, whatever. it was a wonderful excuse. saying i have to work is so much better all around than just admitting that social situation especially parties (unless there is cake and hats and icecream and bowling) are always awkward for me, it's nothing personal, i just rarely see the point. my be i just don't try. but then again i just don't care to try. so having to work is great for holidays, fridays, family events, kwanza, keggers, and box socials. it's not a matter of i don't drink and think drinking is wrong. it's not a matter of thinking less of people who go to parties to drink. it aint my thing. but all that is beside the point here. of course there probly is no point, because there is probly going to be no point in me saying or not saying anything. it will probly go unnoticed... i had two messages on my machine by the time i had got to work, they where unimportant... i lied three messages two unimportant messages and one hang up, with my out going messages i get a lot of hang up's so i doubt it was important(but one never really knows). i earased the messages after hearing them and the two that where on my machine from days ago where the only two on it at the start of my shift at eight. i check my machine when i get board. i got one call at work tonight, it came while i was in the restroom. it had been my father. no new messages when i got home, and no calls at work... i don't know that i had anything to say anyway. but that's beside the point. tomorrow i will wake up and do something. well one of two things, either will (taking a negative out look here) have the same effect. nothing. am i just bored? would unplugging my phone do more good than harm? i don't care enough to try, or i'm to smart for that. i don't care which. i'll see what happens, i mean it wasn't anything to make a fuss over, so then tell me what it is that's wrong. tomorrow will pass, i'll get bored, bored enough to make an entry and cover this one over with the sand, it's not like everyone keeps up. and heaven know very few bother to click reverse to see if there is anything missed. but i'll make a new entry, something grand and pointless and about rocketships and monkeys and rock and roll, and i won't care what happens to this as it all gets covered by sand and dust and time and babble like the one before it has been. always, alot to be said, but it's always just for me here alone. i forgot to mention, and i don't mean this the wrong way but, i used to know everything. that was before stuff. now i'm after stuff, and i've forgotten. and i don't know what it is that bothers me most.

[P] [A] [F] [K] [G] [P] [D]