[3:49 a.m.] : [2002-10-30]

sunday i went up to davis. yes, i ended up spending the night sleeping on the floor under t's foosball table. woke up monday and we went out for a breakfast of pizza and jamba juice. spent a couple of hours just kicking around davis met up with danny and did stuff. i left davis and drove back to the V. i've been reading a lot lately, listening to a lot, watching a little tv, and i get things in my head. ideas or lines or scenes come to mind out of the blue or are triggered and i recognize the bit of memory coming back to me and then i can't remember when or where or from what i am remembering it and it bugs the hell out of me in a way. i told you all before, i made the disclaimer. it's the weather and it's this time of year and it the slew of new old albums i bought. i don't think i can last, one day back and i want and/or need out. i should be in davis. i want a marathon drive out of here, in three different directions driving all night listening to grain towers and telephone poles, man that album broke six months ago and i have yet to replace it and i was looking at lyrics tonight and without hearing it in my ears, just the music i remembered playing in my head i almost cried. it's one of the most beautiful records made and i've been neglecting and forgetting how increadible it is. i've always thougt the nicest/coolest thing ever said about my diary is what jeff's profile says,the association, i appreciate it. there's been a slew of things to add here or to say to people or to make of myself, my thoughts gather and fall and jumble like the workings of the objects that collect in my room the clothes the papers of scribbled lines and photographs old reciepts gather and get shuffled and forgotten but still go no where, just stagnate in the mess. lately everything is dejavu, things i've lived in dreams, or thought i did, i've always prided myself on my memory but things like sitting in gooey's apartment watching tv are sent to my brain as current events while being rejected due to an existing file from a year ago that was entered but forgotten because it had no meaning at the time. in the last two weeks i have had around a dozen instances i knew before at some point in sleep, but i can't remember if i really did have a dream about any of it. it's like in 8th grade i might of had a conversation with my brother and it could of been to the extent of the one thing i wanted the most at the time being within my reach and if so i could of had everything but it might of been a conversation with him in a dream but that aspect if it was a dream or a real conversation was the one aspect that slipped from my mind so i let it all go, it took me a couple of years to recover in ways. day five in mexico i was in the back of the car heading south along the coast and richard was driving and stopping at the edge of every pothole and then proceeding at painfully slow speeds, i had to put my head phones on to try to distract myself from a growing agitation/annoyance almost an anger to my surroundings and as the cd started we hit a bump and my head hit the low ceiling and it hit in time with the music and then we stopped for lunch at this taco shack and my annoyance put me in no mood to eat. the drive back later that day with my head phones on reading in the back seat i became somewhat nauseous and instead of watching the road i took a nap.

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