[3:31 p.m.] : [2001-09-10]

ok, so i lied, i'm not dead. so it comes down to one day; you hurt one more person and realize that's no way to be. all the things you've done and have known doing them you where wrong, all those things that made you up that defined you in flesh and blood and shoulder length hair.... everything all of it, it was wrong, something you no longer wanted to be... well everything but the hair, you still miss the hair. but everything else you want to let it all go because you know you can be better. but who really notices? you make changes, but people mistake you for other things, not something better, something weaker something sarcastic something that is just a joke and a mockery because "they know you better" bullocks to them. cause after getting played on all sorts of sided, after crap and drama and lies and hair cuts... well you just wake up one morning and you see the sun, and you know you've a better person than what you used to be despite the other things, and you go to bed one night and the things that used to weigh on you at night, in the dark, they come to mind and a voice says softly "they don't matter" and you know it's true. you sleep. you get up fresh for the first time in years, you love your job, you wear a smile, you decide hell i'm going to grow my hair back out and finally get those damn dreads i've been talking about for the last five years. the crap you where so afraid of, it means nothing. those things that keep you up, they go away and lose importance. you really do figure shit out and damn life is good. and for the first time i feel something important is going on, yet there isn't a Stabing Westward song that can serve as the soundtrack for the situation. and amazingly enough, i've actually caught myself smiling from time to time.

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