[11:04 p.m.] : [2001-06-21]
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my right middle knuckel is about the half the size fo a pingpong ball, well its the size of a ping pong ball if you cut said ping pong ball in half and shoved it under the skin... which might actually feel a little better. two toes hurt as well, and i checked my sock a minute ago, it was still white, but it feels like it is bleeding. i'd leave tonight, just throw the boxes i have packed so far in my car and leave right fucking now. but... hell i don't know where i'd go, i don't know if i'd even go to texas. i just almost typed home, like i had one. all i have is two storage units two thousand miles apart and a place at each i can stay if i want. but i feel no real attachment or affection to either of my parents. is that right? is that something that i should be comfortable with, or should that keep me up at night? ...i don't really know. i don't really think about it, and on the list of things i do think about and worry about and what not, i don't even know if it is there. i often wonder what kind of a person i am, what things like that make me. i try to be good, i go out of my way to do things for people, i get fucking walked on... and somewhere inside i don't give a shit about any of it, sometimes i like that. so does that make me a bad person? screw packing, i have too much stuff, throw it all away i don't need it anyways- i'm not going anywhere. it's late, i've spent all day by myself, and i don't know why i'm really going back to texas, maybe it is that i can't stand this house anylonger, but it's not like my dads is any better. screw it all, i want to throw everything away right now and just be another person that no one hears leave and just fucking disapear. but then again, i don't have the means to do so, so whats the point in even thinking that. shit, i think i'll take up drinking.
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