[11:39 a.m.] : [2001-06-07]

"At the final moment, i cried. I always cry at endings." I worked yesterday, after no sleep at all and not being scheduled, but it was a good destraction. I was driving a little and i had my Belle and Sebastion c.d. playing and i heard those words driving down travis and they struck and i thought of one of the entries i wrote yesterday morning and knew that it would be ok for me to let the tears come out when the feelings came. So i finally found out one of the reasons things never progressed in my last attempt at a relationship. cause i wouldn't stick my tunge down her throat or all over her body. yes that may be a little bit of an exaguration but she made the point in conversation that i didn't take advantage of perfectly good opprotunities to kiss her, and the point was also brought up that we never really exchanged tunges to much in the few incodents that we did kiss. see thats the thing though, that is my problem, i am not going to take advantages of anything. if we where to kiss i didn't want it to be me taking anything i wanted her and me to both be giving it to the other the shared affection or hormones or what ever as long as it was shared and equal. i failed cause i respected her. i failed cause i cared. i failed cause i'm not like tom or any one else for that matter. i failed cause damn it i was nice. i failed cause i didn't want things to get out of hand. i failed because of a lot of stupid fucking shit. (not that shit ever really fucks) i just wish it would rain here, it never rains, i right now the one reason the surpasses all others to be back in texas is the rain. when i get back the very first time it rains i am going walking, i want big fat cold drops of rain falling down on me. yesterday was a day for toad the wet sproket, my oversized longsleaved black button shirt, and if i had it i would have actually worn eyeliner, not that i really do that, it isn't my style really but yesterday i wished i had had some. "oh, that wasn't what i meant to say at all. from where i'm sitting, rain washing against the lonely tenement has set my mind to wander "This is no declaration, i just thought i'd let you know goodbye" said the hero in the story "it is mightier than swords, i could kill you sure, but i could only make you cry with these words."

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