[1:59 p.m.] : [2001-05-20]
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- - - "just lonely, baby - doesn't mean i'm looking for a friend. i've got plenty, i'm still learning how to lay down my life for them. don't want to find yourself alone at thirty-five, spending half what you make on your car (and hating that drive). just crazy, maybe - doesn't mean i'm looking for a cure. i've got stability that scares you, 'cause it's hard to believe when you're so sure. you're just like everybody else, there is no one like you. you will find you spend a good deal of your life, sitting at red lights." - - - i hate college, i like the idea, but the having to choose where to go, applications, deadlines, fees, majors, distance, i just hate it all. mainly cause it scares me to think about it, i have no idea what the hell i'm doing, right now i know i'm not going anywhere with my life, but every time i try to fill out applications or look at schools, i just feel like i'm suffocating, and then theres always the fact that i know i should have done all this a year ago but i didn't know how to go about it a year ago either. all i know is come this fall i don't want to find myself here going back to community college. i've been thinking about going to sam, i've been accepted before but i've been more convinced as of late that i really think i want to shy away from the journalism field, and thats why i wanted to go to sam. i've been thinking about just trying to get my general stuff out of the way, but after that what? does sam have decent programs of other fields i would want to pursue? i don't know. it would put me closer to friends and good mexican food, and it would only be an hour drive away from houston and not 29 hours. i don't know i just hate it all. - - - "i hope you know it's not my father's fault i'm such a bore, and so afraid of everything. i'm keeping inside; living in my mind; hoping that the telephone don't ring-- with, *it's all right... pain is universal, baby*-- and worrying about what I'm going to sing.i'm staying in, and saving up my energy. i know my day is coming. and when I find it, I will rewind it (and play it over again a hundred times). and when I hear it, I will not fear it-- i will say it back again, and say, i'm fine." - - - hubbard is so amazing, what that boy can do with a guitar, he is just so beautiful. one of my favorite memories is actually just me hubbard and his guitar. i can't remember if it was after a lesson, before or during, i just remember we where sitting in my living room, no one else was home, it was starting to get darker out side, and it was raining. but brian was sitting across from me on the sofa and he was just in his own little world with his guitar playing, and he just broke out with yellowleadbetter, which is one of the most amazing songs on the guitar. when i saw pearl jam play they closed with that song, i know they wrote it but in the back of my mind i was comparing it at the show with hubbard in my living room. i don't know he might have hit wrong notes, or stummbled on some of the strings, but in my mind, in my memory it was perfect and beautiful. i don't think i've ever wanted to be able to do something like someone else so baddly before or after. - - - "a disconcerting way to wake: to find everything in place-- the world goes on without my faith in anything-- to have to drag myself from bed, pull a sweater over my head (somehow find a way to brave the sun again). and all of this just as I was beginning to have the most amazing dream. they rolled the stones away and let everyone come right in and say hello to me. they picked me up and held me there and smiled at my crumpled wings. and all of this just as I was beginning to have the most amazing dream." - - - |
