[12:54 a.m.] : [2001-04-23]
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its really been bothering me. even to the point where i am reluctant to call for that one reason. we have the basic conversation, catching up, bitching about her mother, fears that come with age and what not. she has to go, and as we let the silence sit in cause neither really wants to hang up� she finally says 'i miss you'... (or like in her emails she always signs i love you or love always, or something...) so, the silence then continues. after a good fifteen seconds she says bye and i strain to see if there was any resentment or change in her voice. i say bye but the phone is normally hung up on her end by then. why do i do it? i don't really know and its been bugging me cause sometimes i swear it really bugs her that i don't say it back. its not that i don't miss her, i miss her like crazy and still think about her more than is probly healthy for me. now don't get me wrong i do tell her i miss her, but somewhere in the last year in the course of all that has transpired or should i say has not happend between the two of us i lost the ability to reply with to plesentries...maybe i just lost the will. cause deep down inside no matter how hard i try to just be a friend a part of me wont let me lie and just say the simple things back cause i know it won't be honest cause i won't mean it the same as her, ...and i know she doesn't ever say it to mean what a part of me would like it to... maybe a small part just wants to deny her that just to not let her forget she hurt me, gosh i hope thats not it but i don't know subconsiously and consiously sometimes i do want to hurt her(how afull is that?) and it just builds and sometimes i all i really want to say to her is i'm sorry. ...if only i could say it to her... |
